Could you, would you, in a box?

lyric

Sometimes I worry that it might be confusing to the people who like my photography that I also do other things.

Photography is readily accessible and it only takes about a half a second for someone to glance at one of the photographs that I have taken.  And I am glad that people like my work.  It’s great that people will sometimes say nice things like, “Ooh, your pictures are pretty!”.  However, it is really only a small part of the art that I like to create.

I’m also a painter.  I tend to paint weird things, like Japanese rock stars looking at baby polar bears.  I’m usually telling a strange story, which is perhaps less accessible than pretty wedding photographs or portraits.  But it’s fun.

But music feels (and has always felt) the most important to me… because I am secretly a musician.  I have been writing and recording music for… many years.  This is generally harder to share, not only because I am bad at even sharing the basic information that I am a musician, but because it’s also a significant time investment for people to listen to music that isn’t shoved in their ears.  And I’m not the type of person to do that.  Unless you are a passenger in my car… or a visitor to my blog (^_^;)

I guess more importantly, I am all of these things and I am none of these things.  People ask what my day job is and I tell them (grudgingly) as I do not feel as it accurately reflects who I am as a person.  I am also of average height and Asian-American in case anyone is asking or somehow thinks it is relevant.

Some people LOVE boxes and categorization.  Being in a box is more accessible and familiar than not being easily categorized.  But I was born into a shade of grey.  Conforming was never really a great option, but I tried for awhile.  I don’t recommend it, unless that’s your thing.

(Note: You could wake up ten years later and realize that you’ve forgotten what you are supposed to be doing.  And you wasted all of that time conforming to some sort of  lifestyle that you never truly believed in.)

So it may be time to ask yourself… are you conforming to someone else’s expectations?  Conforming to some absurd expectation our society/culture places on us?  Conforming to some ideal that you will never attain?  How did you get there?  How will you leave?  Will you stay…?  Will you leave…?

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Me

Feeling more like myself

“But I like to keep some things to myself” – Shake it Out/Florence + The Machine

Sometimes (a lot lately) I wonder, WHY?

Why didn’t I do these things that I should have done ten years ago?

Why didn’t I take better care of myself… why didn’t I follow those lofty dreams I had… why didn’t I realize that I should start my own photography business ten years ago… why… why… why…

It’s easy to look back and see so clearly the path you should have taken.  It’s easy to want to travel back in a time machine and change the past.

“Listen, this is now, this is here, this is me.  This is what I wanted you to see.  That was then. That was that. That is gone. That is past.” – So Fast, So Numb/R.E.M.

And then you can always find a rationale.

Oh, it was because I fell in love!  Oh, it was because I went to college.  Oh, it was because I got distracted BLAH BLAH BLAH.

But why really?

Fear?

Fear of Success.  Fear of Failure.  Fear of putting yourself out there, out for critique/criticism?

Denial?

Not knowing what you really want from life?  Or not admitting it to yourself?

I think… that I need to be braver.

“I must become… a lion hearted girl… ready for a fight.” Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up)/Florence + The Machine

I think… that I need to become more honest.

More action, less excuses.

Because… I still have dreams…

Dreams are meant to be big and scary.  They are meant to be on the far edge of what is possible and mostly improbable.  I can’t let my love for logic and reason and stability stomp all over who I am, what I want to be, and what I love in life.

“I close my eyes and think how it might be… The future’s here today. It’s not too late. It’s not too late, yeah!” – I Believe in Miracles/The Ramones

Why pretend for other people?  Is it really so great to spend your life worrying about what everyone thinks?

Why not do what you love?  Even if it’s just in your spare time?

Why not create art and music?  Even if no one will ever see it or hear it?

Is it for them or is it for you?  

“And so I thank you dearly
For letting me see clearly
Open up, she said
Be you, be true” – You’re True/Eddie Vedder

It’s easy to see the success of others, but not their struggle.

がんばれ!

(I need to be more like me, but I want to be more like you.)

Transmutability

 

The ability to turn light into dark.

Dark into light.

Creating something out of nothing.

Transform ugliness into beauty.

A view of the world through my eyes.

As a musician and artist, these things have remained constant in my life.

The only way I know how to deal with the darkness thrown at me is to convert it into light.

Using my voice and songs to create power out of my powerlessness.

Using my lens to show the beauty in others that they cannot see in themselves.

 

 

It doesn’t matter whether anyone else can hear it.

It doesn’t matter whether anyone else can see it.

 

When you CREATE, you have the power.

 

For the love of music

 

 

So today I had the opportunity to sing (as part of a choir group) with Vienna Teng at the Power Center in A2!  This was very exciting for me, as I love her voice and her music (and also, I love to sing ^-^ ).  A local musician, Katie Lee, started the show with a beautiful set.  It was great to see two extremely talented female Asian-American singer-songwriters take the stage and amaze the audience.  Katie and Vienna were both very warm and great to talk to!

The show was really inspiring to me as a musician.

I’ve been writing music since I was 14 years old.  Over the last few years, I’ve felt really discouraged about pursing my love of music and writing and creating music.  I think this will change… my guitar is dusty and needs some attention.  I have bits and pieces of songs scattered around, it’s time to put them all together.  It’s time to record every song that I’ve ever written.  I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do with the recordings, but I am sure that I need to work harder at becoming more like myself…